Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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