my vag is so smooth its legendary
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
