Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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