Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
