So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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