Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
