That's when you crack a 10am beer
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
