I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
