Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
