Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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