Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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