You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
