My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
