I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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