So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
