someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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