WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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