i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I supernannyed him into submission
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
