you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
