he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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