If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
