it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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