i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
