On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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