Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
