It's Friday. Sex?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
