At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
home. puking in laundry basket.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
