Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
