I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
