I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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