Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
