Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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