You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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