So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
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