Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
