I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
