I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
