Pants 0. Shit 1.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
