apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
