I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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