I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
