On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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