You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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