I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
