So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
