I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
