idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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