Kiss
Puke
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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