Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
