It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
